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Gary Barbara to start Mega-Camp for new team!
WASHINGTON TWP-New Americans manager, Gary Barbara opened the Americans' first-ever megacamp
Monday with a speech welcoming his players, outlining the goals he wanted the team to reach by next August, and telling them
ten-a-days would begin immediately. "This is a rebuilding year for the Americans, so I think we should spend the entire
time training as hard and for as long as possible," Barbara said while acknowledging that holding an extended megacamp
meant the Americans would forfeit all the games in the 2010 season. "I know that means we probably won't improve on last
season's record, but we have to think of the long term here." Players who were late to the megacamp were fined their
first game check plus $1 billion.
Senator Fans Delighted By New Between-Innings Fuck-Cams
WASHINGTON TWP-Wins may be hard to come by and attendance may be down, but the fans at the last Senators home game
didn't care-they were too busy enjoying the high school's stadium's new Fuck-Cam.
"We've been really surprised and
delighted by the crowd reaction," said Washington Senators public relations director Pete Conin, who started the
Fuck-Cam program that has since been emulated by every other ballpark in the league, except Holy Cross. "Apparently,
people who like watching baseball games also really enjoy watching other people have sex. And not just between innings, either.
If the action on the screen is still going when the play on the field resumes, they'll still watch. The Fuck-Cam has been
quite a phenomenon."
The estimates that more than 700 people have had been featured on the Fuck-Cam since
its introduction. The first Fuck-Cam couple, Scott Scokyopek and Annette Williams, have been guests on Late Night With
Jimmy Fallon. And a montage of legendary Fuck-Cam performances is one of the most viewed clips on YouTube, featuring such
great Fuck-Cam moments as the man who hasn't realized his partner has fallen asleep; a would-be suitor who goes down on one
knee, produces a ring, and is flatly denied; an overweight couple who is booed off the JumboTron by the crowd; and a good-natured
if somewhat clumsy performance by the Fox Sports broadcast team of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.
"It's at the point
where some people come to Senators games with the idea of getting themselves on the Fuck-Cam," Conlin said. "They
dress up for it, wave signs, even start fucking with two outs at the bottom of an inning in the hope they'll get noticed,
the whole thing. The buzz has been awesome. Of course, we'd rather people come to see our beloved Sens, but our attitude is,
if people having sex in the seats gets people to come to the game, it's good for baseball."
Conlin refuses
to take credit for the concept, although he did make it official by adding the subtitles and frames now associated with JumboTron
displays of crowd sex. Instead, he credits the Senators fans themselves-"the greatest and most sexual fans in the
world," she said gratefully-with the spontaneous invention of the Fuck-Cam.
"The Nats were getting blown out
by the Dodgers in an early April game, and the camera guy went to the kiss-cam early and often," Perry said. "Well,
he lingered a while on the same couple, and they just got into the spirit of the thing and started fucking like you wouldn't
believe. It was great, but I really didn't think much about it until the next morning when someone told me it had been mentioned
in the news, and later that day it was No. 3 on SportsCenter's Top 10 Plays."
By June, Fuck-Cams were in use at
the Jersey Devils Burlingtpn Twp. Field, Iron Pigs Gloucester High, Chesntnut Hill Academy and countless
other NJIBL ballfields. The promotion has been a hit at every team in which it has been introduced, although the
process has not always been smooth.
"You want to be careful," said Westville Parks cameraman Matt Brown,
who noted that he "gets" an average of four couples a game on his Fuck-Cam. "Sometimes you can have good
luck with a guy and a girl who are just sitting next to each other, but other times it doesn't work at all. A couple who's
fighting may or may not have great makeup sex while you're watching. Getting two guys on the Fuck-Cam, well, it may work or
it may not, and the crowd may or may not like it. The time with two guys and a girl, that was a mixed reaction."
"Also,
I just want to forget about souvenir bat day," Brown added. "You just can't tell with some people".
John Mader Week-To-Week With Sore Groin, If You Know What He Means
Bellmawr- John Mader may miss the next game due to soreness in his groin, if you catch the Senators
outfielder's drift, because in recent weeks Mader has apparently been applying too much pressure to his groin area, if
you know what he means-and he thinks you know what he means. "Last week, I was rounding third base, when I felt a sudden
stiffness in my groin," Mader told members of Dom's Tavern staff while holding his hands approximately two feet
from his pelvic region and slowly gyrating his hips in a suggestive fashion. "Something had to be done to reduce the
fluid buildup. If you see where I'm going here." Mader assured waitresses, however, that despite overextending his
groin last night for two long hours, he would, hell yeah, be able to return to action tonight. He then winked five times.
Ryan Govito Nibbling On Pretzels While In Field
Moorestown - Claiming he just needed "a little something to nibble on," Phillies second
baseman Ryan Govito brought out a glove full of miniature Rold Gold pretzels as a "between-pitches snack" during
Sunday's game against the Snappers. "Let's get 'em, guys," said Govito, who perfectly timed his crunching with the
crack of the bat to remove any suspicion. "Whattayasay now, infield! Let's turn two, let's, mmm, is that honey mustard?" Govito
was later marked with an error after scooping up a ground ball and accidentally showering shortstop Derek Gaul with a handful
of pretzels while taking a bite out of the game ball.
Tom Burbage Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey
Riverside-Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Tom Burbage-thrown
change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes
when I thought it would never get here," said Pirates catcher Bill Hazel, who had to rise from his squatting
position to stretch twice during the pitch's journey in order to keep the feeling in his legs. "First Eddie [Kenney]
almost cut it off to catch the runner going to second, then decided against it, then was about to grab it again before I shouted
to him that it might count as a balk. Then the batter took a swing, backed up and took another swing before striking out when
it hit the outside corner. After that, I had to wait in the catcher's box for what felt like forever when the runner decided
to try to score all the way from first. And then you saw how [centerfielder] Ray [Jobson] almost ruined the whole thing
when he ran past the pitch to go over to the bench and get a drink then run back past it on his way back out to centerfield.
Thank goodness Tommy's change-up had that very, very late movement so that it eventually dipped around Ray and right
into the sliding runner's path." Burbage later revealed that the pitch was a fastball.
TURNERSVILLE—Upset with his lackluster hitting performance through Game 7 of the NJIBL
season, Senators P/OF Bryan Bezdikian stayed after team practice to work on fouling balls off Wednesday night.
"I still haven't gotten into a good fouling rhythm yet," said "Bez". "I need to go back to basics
and foul balls off, so I'm doing the classic drills—the Hack, the Late Swing and " 'scuse me" Pullback
Bunt, where I square around to bunt looking all confused and disoriented then getting a scared look on my face then "oops!"
I pull the bat back fouling off the ball over the back stop. We are not going to win this league unless I'm
punching easily hittable pitches down the line, flaring over the the dugout or hammering them off my foot foul."
A PLAUSIBLE EXCUSE...
NJIBL Adjusts Drug Policy To Allow Joe Fortunato To Take Steroids
WASHINGTON TWP.—The NJIBL Commissioner announced a new policy on performance-enhancing substances Wednesday
that is expected to help former slugger Joe Fortunato, currently batting a dismal .118, to come out of his slump and return
as a league-leading batter. "We have amended the rules of the game to allow Joe [Fortunato] to use any performance
enhancer he can find, as baseball is pretty boring when he's not hitting home runs," said the Commisioner, who added
that Fortunato could be suspended for 5 games under the new policy if drug tests show he is not taking any previously
banned substances. "What Joe is doing right now is wrong, and this season could damage his reputation forever. The
game of baseball needs him to do the responsible thing and superhumanly whack balls over the fence whenever possible."
Moments after the announcement, Fortunato smashed through the conference doors with needles hanging from several different
areas of his body and crushed the Comissioner with a brutal thank-you hug, killing him instantly.
'Play Every Game To The Best Of Your Ability' agreement reached with Devils
John Plunkett .
CHERRY HILL—A
clause stipulating that Devils shortstop John Plunkett show up to games on time and play baseball to the greatest extent of
his ability became a major sticking point in preseason negotiations between the him and the Devils. Plunkett's agent Richard
Simmons told 3SPN reporter Roller Voorhees after Plunkett finally agreed to terms an hour before the opening day game and
actually sealed with a signed contract. "We were willing to bend on the showing up part, but if they wanted my client
to actually care about winning while he is up to bat, running the base paths, and fielding both fly and ground balls, well,
that would have cost them," Simmons said. "If we gave in on that, then they'd have felt free to renege on the clause
that allows Plunkett to play while wearing a thong, a t-shirt from the musical “Rent”, and sandals." Plunkett
was too entranced by the season final of “America’s Top Model” with Tyra Banks and Ms. Jay to comment.
Joe Connors Just Striking Out To Crack Up Teammates .
Gloucester-Gloucester Iron Pigs catcher Joe Connors has been intentionally striking out in an effort to
make his teammates laugh, team sources told reporters. Connors, who struck out in almost every plate appearance against
the Jersey Devils, was overheard saying "Check this out" to teammates Harry Thomas and Damian
Steel before intentionally taking a third strike during his first at-bat; swinging wildly high and wide at a pitch thrown
low and inside; swinging several seconds after the ball had been caught by the catcher for a third strikeout; and during his
fourth appearance at the plate, dropping his bat and starting to remove his batting gloves before the pitcher had even thrown
the baseball. Upon walking back to the dugout, Connors reportedly pretended to be disappointed with his performance by
yelling, "Jeez, I just don't know what's wrong with me lately," causing his teammates further amusement. Following
the game, Pigs manager Steve Griffin told Connors that he could see what he was doing and that he had
better cut it out.
Outfielders Take A Nap, Infielders Move Up In New "Iron Pigs Shift' Gloucester City—As the 2009 baseball season progresses,
NJIBL managers are defending against Iron Pigs hitters by employing what they call the "Pigs Shift," a
defensive maneuver in which infielders move up past the pitcher's mound and outfielders relax and take a nap. "It's
very effective," Somerdale Dodgers manager Pat Davidson told reporters. "If one of them not
named Harry, Damien or Jason (not the heavy, rumpled, drunk one) makes contact with the ball, which is rare in itself,
they usually hit slow dribblers that catch infielders by surprise because of how weak they're hit. So, by moving the infielders
up, and having the pitcher rush home plate after the pitch has been thrown, Iron Pig hitters have virtually no chance
of reaching base. If a runner (usually someone named Harry, Damien or Jason...not the heavy, rumpled, drunk one) are
on when the others come up, we may have the outfielders relax or take a nap to make sure when the only other three hitters
in the Iron Pigs line up who can hit the ball out there come up that they are well rested." Davidson added that
it doesn't matter if it is a lefty or right at the plate as the shift is foolproof.
SNAPPERS INVITE WARRIORS
BACK FOR A NIGHTCAP Philadelphia—After spending a casual morning together
playing a game in posh suburb of the City of "Brotherly Love" (a.k.a "packin' cheeks"),
the Philadelphia Snappers approached the Westville Warriors as they waited outside the ballpark and asked them if
they'd like to come back up to the field for a nightcap. "I know you've got an early day tomorrow, but one
more baseball game never hurt anyone," Snappers catcher Dave Magaldi said to the entire Warriors ballclub,
flashing a smile and noting that Chesnut Hill Academy "looks beautiful under the lights." "No pressure, I just
thought it might be…you know, fun." Despite the Snappers' high hopes for the evening's nightcap, the
Warriors kept true to their season promise as not going as far as third base too often.
ALL HAIL 3SATAN! After a long off season I have returned. I am heading up my own league, I am enjoying baseball and I
feel my inner Dark Lord getting ready to burst out. You can only imagine with all of this good mojo going in one direction
why I would take a moment to look back. Well my friends, I got reports of some not very christian things being said about
me to people who decided to come over or not join the other league. Things like "you don't know who you are
getting in bed with" or "that guy is a used car salesman" and even "man, he's pulling the wool over
your eyes". You can even hear the fear in that guys voice, can't you. But then again it is a "more competitive
league" right. The league where sneaker deals and cereal box covers are there for the players taking?
The guy who is saying this stuff...and I know for a fact is reading this edition because
he hawks this site like it was a Double Whopper with Cheese, large fries, 60 oz. Soda, Apple pie and then the other side of
the menu (also known as his 11 o'clock snack) reads everything I write then calls everyone BUT me to argue it...doesn't
realize how he looks and that he IS the reason why teams left. I can only hope they keep him in charge over there because
it is great for my business. Oh, and make no doubt...he runs that league no matter who is listed as commissioner. I suppose he will say I made up all that financial stuff too. Actually the idiots sent it to me and
all I did was analyze it and point out its flaws to which there was no answer. I guess it is like handing a lion a steak
and asking him to make you dinner then you get confused because he ate your T-Bone for you. But I look at it this way, every
player in that league owes me because it was because of me their fees went down. I heard the whole "because there
were less teams there were less expenses" argument. Wrong. More teams mean that costs go down due to bulk discounts.
Don't you have any MBA, CPA, Super Geniuses over there? Face the facts guys, I lowered your costs. All you did by lowering
them was out yourselves proving that you could have charged us less all along. By the way, I got news for you...NJIBL costs
are actually going DOWN next year.
What also makes me laugh is when I found a solicitation flyer from the old league looking
for donations to that league. They had $50K+ left over and they need more money? What are they, AIG? GM? Bank of America needing
a bail out? Most of that money came from teams that left the league and they are not thinking about returning any of it. Of
course "Mr. Slade" will stand up in front of a room and tell everyone that I am saying that he is driving around
in an $85K vehicle without having the gumption to call me first...then again, he barely communicates with guys in his own
league anyway so why should I get the priviledge of a call.
I think the best part is when Tubbs questions my integrity. Here is a guy who is knowingly
letting a team with players under the age limit play in the 25 division. I am not making this up, teams in my league that
played over there against these guys are even shaking their heads over it. Oompa Loomp moved them up and other teams from
their 18 division to make sure the 25's was viable. This of course fucks over the guys in the 18 Division but
it's all about the 25's over there. Here is a better one...there is a guy who plays in our 18 division who turned
in a registration form that shows his age is 22. He is also on an Over 25 teams roster in the other league. Here is the knee
slapper....that team has the son of a board member on it! KAPOW! There is ethics in action for you! So there you have it. It's all off my chest. I am now done with it. Since this portly moron and his concubine
who he bribed with a board seat decided to instigate me I figured I'd raise their pulses a bit before a close the
door on this chapter. Here is some advice for them...keep your mouths shut and I will keep mine shut. Capice?
THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT THE OLD LEAGUE Yes...there are things I will miss about the old league. And now that I am gone, let me lament those
treasured things I will leave behind on my way to the "Big Sombrero" over at the NJIBL...
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