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WARNING: THIS SITE CONTAINS FILTHY WORDS AND QUESTIONABLE CONTENT.
THIS SITE WAS DESIGNED BY A MORON AND HIS DOG, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED YOU SHOULD NOT ENTER THIS SITE...EVER!
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On December 29, 2004 the very first 3Nation
came out. It was on my 33rd birthday and 5 years later I am still publishing this site. I started it to amuse my friends and
here I am the owner of THE BEST MEN'S BASEBALL LEAGUE IN NEW JERSEY. It all started here and I have had a lot of fun entertaining
most of you and pissing off some of you. I will keep on chugging along with the site and I hope you "get" my sense
of humor. Needless to say I love baseball and I love making peole laugh. For those who have followed the site for the last
5 years I hope you have enjoyed it. For those new to "The Nation", welcome aboard and I look forward to keeping
you laughing at my expense...and at times, at your expense.
Jowap the Weasel's Fabricated Story of the YEAR "3 killed Michael Jackson, Farrah
Fawcett & Brittany Murphy. That is why you shouldn't join 3's league! "
COME UP WITH A CATCHY SLOGAN: When we decided to start the league we were clearly drunk. Add that to our
already low cumulartive IQ's and relative apathetic stupidity and you have the perfect storm of idiocy. It is absolutely
ridiculous to think a league at the local level is going to work because as we all know only nationally run leagues can
work. We obviously don't count these fabled local leagues like the RVL as it has ONLY been around for 62 years or
the Tri-County which has only been around for 29 years...clearly fluke leagues which will fold any day now. And besides, those
leagues don't really exist, they are made up like and are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. So after
getting all liquored up, we came up with "For Ball Players, By Ball Players". Until we came up with
that little gem we threw a bunch of shit up against the wall and see what would stick...seriously, we pooped then threw doo
doo on the wall. After that, THEN we came up with THE slogan but these are a bunch of slogans we passed up
on: - "NJIBL Baseball...hey are you
going to eat that?"
- "The NJIBL...where stupidity
is not a handicap."
- "NJIBL...refreshments to
be provided".
- "NJIBL...with the $50 you save
in this league you can buy some class"
- "NJIBL...smell
my finger"
- "NJIBL...don't ask, don't
tell."
- "NJIBL...we've got pie!"
- "The NJIBL...FREE PORN!"
That was just what I can remember, I drank alot that night.
My Crew This league's strength is its government.
We actually respond to e-mails, phone calls and text messages within a month. Although Dom is planning the overthrow of the
world, Ed has anger issues, Pat has been thrown out of weight watchers for the fifth time and Dave is in therapy; Matt Galbraith
is holding up rather well although he doesn't believe the stories about the old league that we left. Then again, Matt
is in denial that Sanjaya lost "American Idol".
The Managers The managers in this league have done a great job.In this league
we don't view them as being pains in the asses or as stupid as they do some other league we know of. We prove it by giving
them tasks and responsibilities and they get it done. We have changes to make so we ask them to help. This
league also doesn't have its own ass kissing, lying coward of a fuck that sucks up to the league president
who he used to absolutely bury to me on the phone who now looks like a complete and utter shit heel after he let his team
get fucked over again. Good job "Jowap the Weasel" every game you play after being thrown out of a game and not
serve that leagues rule of a mandatory suspension just proves what an asshole you truly are. I want you to know that
I laugh at you every week.
The New New Jersey I have singlehandedly reapportioned the state of New Jersey. It
used to be in the old league you had to play in the town in which "THE LEAGUE PRESIDENT" claims you either lived
in, grew up in, once drove through or have heard of to play on his team. Unfortunately the whole state consisted of the
Town of Marlton in that league apparently as his roster has experienced more turnover than the amount of ass Zack Effron gets.
As of recently, the town in which my former team plays has seen the Latino demographic EXPLODE! There are so
many people of my ethnicity in what used to be the white bread and mayonnaise capital of NJ that they recently opened Home
Depot in the Promenade. I haven't seen so many Latinos being managed by an Italian since the last time I walked into the kitchen
at Carrabbas! In the new better, cheaper, fairer league I started you go to a team that needs you, not the team that
can take you without knowing then come up with some bullshit lie on why you NEED to be on that team.
The Competition I heard there was no competition
in this league? Are there any teams in this league shutting teams out with only 8 players on a weekly basis? No, but then
again, Dickie Dunn's squad over in the old league is the best Sunday league team in the Tri-state area. They actually
are more like a bored Tri-County team taking batting practice so they really have no competition, simply put that team is
TOO good. No seriously...they won 4 titles and they just got another pitcher who is a stud to add to a guy who has already
thrown 27 scoreless innings. I faced him (the new guy) last year when he pitched against us for one game and he fanned 10
batters in 5 innings...even though he did pitch illegally under some gay rule that was made up by a dude in the 35 division
of that shit league but they did get to keep the win...which they did completely deserve because they were that good and we
were just that exceptionally bad last year too. Let me give you a hint how the 2009 South Jersey Rays season ends...it
rhymes with "Thrive Time Clamps". Other than that, in the 7 seasons I have played in the old league and the
new, cheaper, better one; this league is actually MORE competitive. Games are closer, teams in the 25 division actually have
players who are 25 in it. As for the pitching in this league...better across the board. I am just looking forward to
more of those teams coming over next season to see for themselves. I hope Chubbs Magoo gets a bus for his team as they will
be playing in the shore league next year...or maybe it will be MY shore league next year, you never know.
Me Lovin' Me Some Me Let's face it...I get more
attention. I love me. I am great. I make out with myself. I kiss my own ass so hard that I have a dent in one of my cheeks.
I shit excellence. I piss perfection. So many people are now exposed and aware to the joy that is knowing me that it should
be illegal. I am a politician kissing babies, pressing the palms and waving the NJIBL banner. You can't ignore me, I am one
big commercial for me as my shit smells like roses and my voice is a hymn from a choir of angels. I am my own warm center
of the universe that....oh Jesus Christ, I am pissing myself off. The reality is that this website which used
to be good for some goofs was the catalyst of this league starting. It is the rallying point for what kicked it all off. Whereas
a few people tried to use it as a reason as why not to join, more people used it as why to join. I received a lot
of e-mails from people congratulating me letting me know how they thought it was great that we got our own league going. Hey,
I usually hate to say it but in this case....I told you so.
Truth in Numbers The amount of money my teams have saved is unbelievable. My first
year with the Senators I paid $240 to play baseball. This year....$100. From what I am told by my managers that for a
returning player, the average cost for a summer of baseball is $150! A friend of mine in a team that stayed over there told
me that his team pays $260 each! Does that come with a hand job too! Hey, here's a nutty concept...I published our budget.
What's that? What's a budget in the old league. Take a look (pictured right). Hey, I made no money off this league...not
even the $5 per player that some peole will tell you they are entitled to for just having a league. Well
I could go on. In a short period of time I have proven that I could do what was said to be impossible. So for those who have
doubted me -- from the bottom of my lying, fired from my job, money stealing heart...kiss my balls. __________________________________________
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| A picture of Pat with his two "assailants". |
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| Pay thinks the ambulance is an ice cream truck! |
Well our chubbilicious 3Nation whipping boy, Pat "whatcha eatin?" Quinn was pitching
at his daughters softball practice and his Over 35 Blaze team almost had another serious foot injury. One
of the girls that Pat was pitching to ( I believe the girls are 5 or 6 years old) hit a screaming ground ball back at
Pat and I am assuming it was the velocity of the ball coming off the bat of a 5 year old is why Pat couldnt react fast
enough and took a ball off the foot. After going to one knee and grimacing in pain Pat walked it off and continued to try
to pitch. The only problem was that Pat could no longer find the strike zone. I'm not sure if it is Pat's age or gut that didnt allow him to bend over and field
the ball but he was clearly intimidated by a little girl.
24/7: The Nation Himself In two weeks the much anticipated
match between The Nation Himselfs squad and The team that many people think that J-Mac plays on...they think but they are
not sure...anyway, the 3Nation special "Nation-JMac 24/7" will cover these two combatants. This week we will look
at the strengths and weaknesses of The Nation HImself. The man who has brought you nearly 4 years of comedic excellence
gets put under the microscope himself!
24/7: J Mac In two weeks the much anticipated match between The Nation HImselfs squad and The team that many people think that
J-Mac plays on...they think but they are not sure...anyway, the 3Nation special "Nation-JMac 24/7" will cover these
two combatants. This week we will look at the strengths and weaknesses of J Mac. For many of you...and some of his own teammates,
this is the first time you will see him in uniform or not in police custody!
BEHIND THE SCENES:THE DAY OF A 3nationbaseball.com PUBLICATION With the 2009 season in full swing, the staff at 3SPN prepares to publish the season’s
first edition of 3nationbaseball.com for publication. This week you will follow Senior Editor, Gus Poodini; Senior
Correspondent Roller D. Voorhees; photographer Timmy Skoufalos (Nicks old cat); web publisher Lucy Skoufalos (Nick Skouflaos’
dog), foreign correspondent Tango Lipscomb and executive assistant Molly Lipscomb (Tango and Molly were 3’s adopted
cats when he married Becky) and a cast of characters. On the day that 3nationbaseball is published.
8:00 am: Staff
meeting Gus assigns everyone their roles for the week. Meeting is interrupted as
a dog and cat fight takes place for first 20 minutes. Gus shits on floor, 3 yells and all scatter. After returning they all
take a nap. Gus snuggles up to Lucy tries to lay the pipe but she is pissed off that he went to Ott’s with Pete Conlin
last night and came home at 4 in the morning stinking of Tequila and strippers.
10:00
am: Photo Review Gus and Timmy get into all out brawl over the cover
art. Timmy claims Gus is a glory hog for appearing on almost every cover. Gus tells him to go fuck himself then spends the
next 15 minutes licking his own balls on the couch. When he is done, him, Timmy, Lucy and Tango discuss the possibility of
legal trouble from John Plunkett for slander. They start laughing and begin to make Gaylord Focker jokes because John is a
male nurse. John begins to get crank calls on his cell phone.
12:00
pm: Lunch Over lunch Roller and Gus discuss the 3 interview. They both can’t believe this fuck head has
a web site. They get distracted when the mailman comes and decide to go ahead and publish the interview. They figure that
most of what comes out of 3’s mouth is shit anyway and who is going to pay attention anyway. Roller notices Gus acting
strangely and smells his dog bowl...straight vodka. It is at that moment that Roller realizes that everyone is drunk. We aren't
talking a little buzzed, I mean straight up retarded.
.
2:00
pm: First draft During the meeting Lucy slams Timmy for his photo work. This leads to another dog and cat fight between
Lucy and Timmy that looks like a scene from "The Matrix". Gus slips out and does 4 lines of blow off of Molly’s
8 tits. Molly tells Gus, “Once you go cat, you never go back”. Gus plows her dog style then rejoins the meeting.
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4:00
pm: Information Update Tango checks his laptop to see what
is going on the SJMSBL website. When he gets up to use the litter box, Gus takes a crap on his keyboard because it appears
that everything that is being put on the NJIBL site somehow ends up on the SJMSBL site. It is also revealed that Gus is hammered
because he meets up with Pete for early drinks. Tango threatens to quit…again.
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8:00
pm: Power Rankings: After Gus gets into his weekly argument with Al
Sharpton over his rankings, Gary Busey, Bald Britney and Michael Irvin come over and Gus, Busey and Irvin disappear into the
bathroom where a strong smell of marijuana bellows under the door. Laughing ensues and Busey begins to explain his picks again
while Gus plows Britney over the sink while he explains that “no you’re not a whore” and “of course
I love your new hairdo now finish the job and don’t look him in the eye while she’s doing ‘that’ because
it makes him feel weird”. Roller gets pissed and does the powerrankings. As usual 3 is the last to send his pick in
because he has an intricate method of picking his teams that involves a loaf of bread, a duck, 3 M&M’s and a picture
of Charlize Theron.
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9:00
pm: Gus loses focus As he does every week, Gary Busey gets Gus to crank call
the 28 League President’s house pretending to be ex New York Met Keith Hernandez, asking if he can play in the league.
Although Gus’ Keith Hernandez impersonation is spot on, the league president doesn’t buy it because Gus keeps
cracking up during the call. Moments later the real Keith Hernandez calls 3Nation headquarters telling Gus to knock it off.
Gus answers in fellow former Mets catcher Gary Carter’s voice and he fools him. Keith Hernandez thinks about playing
in the SJMSBL for 13 seconds and immediately gets a contract offer from the Voorhees Phillies...he accepts but is later told
he hasn't been out of pro baseball long enough to play in the league either.
9:30
pm: Final Site Approval At this point Roller has taken over because
Gus, Michael Irvin, Britney Spears, Gary Busey and Pete Conlin are in the living room doing Tequila shots and punching each
other in the face. Lucy gets pissed because Gus keeps referring to her as “Juicy Lucy”. Pete smashes Michael Irvin
across the head with empty Tequila bottle for being a douche bag. Busey gets up to go to take a piss but when he opens the
bathroom door he finds Gus railing Britney over the sink while saying over and over “there’s hair on your
pussy now, there’s hair on your pussy now”.
9:45
pm: Site content input While Lucy finishes inserting the articles and pictures
on the website, Roller is on the phone calming Plunkett down ensuring him that we really don’t think he is gay. Timmy
start taking dirty pictures of Tango and Molly. Michael Irvin and Gary Busey leave in the back of a Magnolia Police car…again.
Pete and Britney disappear into the night while Gus is passed out on the couch.
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25+ Senators Tell Fans
They Gave Conlin To A Nice Farm Family Washington Twp, NJ—The Washington Twp. Senators
addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired DH Pete Conlin by
announcing Monday that they had sent him to the country in Franklinville to live on a beautiful farm with a very nice family. "We
know you loved Pete Conlin, but he wasn't happy here. He couldn't stay here," Senators general manager Nick
Frese told hundreds of quiet but tear-streaked Senator fans assembled at the televised Ott's Tavern press
conference. "And he loved you, too—he loved you very much indeed—but he needed to go someplace where he could
run and jump and throw his favorite baseball around. And he couldn't do that here anymore." "So we took Pete
out behind the Dan Barbara practice facility last night, and we… Mark Alessandri and I, we…
We gave him one last hug, and we said goodbye to him, and Pete went away forever," Frese said, his voice breaking
several times. "Those loud banging noises you heard were probably the truck backfiring. He went to the farm in a truck,
you know." Frese then unveiled an artist's conception of Conlin frolicking in the fields at the lovely
farm, which he said was "a very, very nice place where they do not have winters, telephones or Sunday morning baseball
games" and "believe me, absolutely not Conlin's home in Turnersville, New Jersey." "Don't
be sad," 25+ Senators manager Gary Barbara told fans, many of whom began crying audibly, shaking their
heads, or turning away at the news. "You should be happy for Pete. He is in a much better place now. He has many of your
other favorite Senators, really great Senators like Chris Lawrence and Frank Rose and Miles Reader, to
keep him company. And he even has a coach—Jim Toth is on that farm, too." Although Senators officials
gave no specific details of the farm, its location, or the family who will now take care of Conlin, Frese confirmed that
it is "far, far away, beyond the baseball fields we know, in a very happy place where Pete will never be hungover
or get struck out ever again." "There are no last calls there, and no ground balls, and
no doubleheader, and even though people will play baseball with Pete all day, they all have so much fun that no one remembers
who won or who lost," Frese added. "Pete loved Washington Township, and it is a nice place, but this farm
is even nicer. It was just time for him to go there." Although many fans were upset that Conlin had to leave
to go to the farm even more suddenly than he retired, most seemed to understand that their DH was old and tired and needed
to rest. Team officials gently but firmly refused all fan and media requests to visit Conlin on the farm. "Someday
we'll all join him there," Frese added, avoiding the eyes of fans and reporters while seeming to look past them
at something far in the distance. "Someday. But not for a long, long time. Right now, just be happy for Pete. Wherever
he is now, what he wants most is for you to be happy." In an unrelated story, Ott's Tequila sales have nearly
tripled...
MEET THE 2009 WASHINGTON TWP.
SENATORS
#3 The Nation Himself (C/DH):
This guy shits excellence. His piss can cure just about
any disease. 3 prides himself on rubbing peoples face in shit, being a smart ass and starting a food sanctuary for extra value
meals because a certain portly someone in a league which we shall not speak of is threatening to turn value meals extinct.
3 spends at least 2 hours a day staring at his own balls. .
#9 Dave Penis...I mean Pennisi (3B/SS):
The new guy looks like Dave Navarro from Janes Addiction
(he also plowed Carmen Electra for a while). Daves baseball pants are so tight that if he farts his knees will explode. Dave
often smells like liquor and his fingers smell like gefilta fish. The dude is single and parties like Janis Joplin. He wanted
my sacred number 3 and I smote him down with all of the evil forces of the Nation behind me (I actually just said no but that
doesn't sound dramatic enough). .
#11 Rick Prewitt (3B/DH):
The only normal one on the team. He may qualify for veteran
benefits for post traumatic sydrome disorder after the season. Rick might be the only Senators player to refer to an opposition
player as a pussy. Rick is writing a book on his experience entitled "Stupidity, A portrait of the 2009 Washington Twp.
Senators". He already has a movie deal n place and will appear on Oprah in the fall. A portrait of the 2009 Washington Twp. Senators". He already has a movie deal n place and will
appear on Oprah in the fall. .
#14 Jay McGee (SS/RHP):
Jay looks exactly like Johnny Knoxville...seriously,
it's eerie. I asked if I could throw baseballs at his crotch and he said no, although he did offer to play third base...which
is the equivalent of having someone throw baseballs at your nuggets. Jay also hid the fact he could pitch real well on
opening day when the Senators got scored on more times than Madonna's poonaner at the 1975 Bay City Senior Prom in Michigan. Jay
spent most of this past Sunday hitting 400 ft. foul balls into yards of Logan residents. my
hands on it, told Barabbas to take a hike and told The
#18 Jeff Vance (LF):
Hits leadoff and is real fast. He works with Mader and
manages not to get talked into a pose off with him in the station house. Jeff will very quietly get 900 hits this season.
Jeff also keeps a spare bat in his mustache so he can lay down drag bunts and throw off everyone. His dream is to someday
have a Senators jersey of his own. Jeff is a practicing Buddhist and if you don't believe it he will find you and kill
you. Jeff is a practicing Buddhist and if you don't believe it he will find you and kill you.
.
#19 Bryan Bezdikian (RHP): The St. Joes product stole Guy Smiley's hair. Bryan has a rubberband arm and doesn't understand the term
"soft toss". Bryan likes to drink beers after games and will be 30 lbs heavier by the end of the season. He also
has a Yorkshire Terrier...WTF? be 30 lbs heavier by the end of the season. He also has a Yorkshire Terrier...WTF?
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#22 Joe Fortunato (Italian):
Joe is the angriest paisan on the planet. He tried to
fight his shadow because "that faggot was following me". Joe likes to break bats, arms, legs and other limbs of
people who owe him money. He also spends time in the dugout showing off farting Sinatra songs. HIs phone's ringtone is
the theme from "The Godfather". When Senators have a poker tournament he brings at least 34 square blocks of South
Philadelphia with him. Joe is the only player in the league that umpires pat down for weapons before an at bat. .
#25 Tony Frese (1B):
Tony is McLovin's stunt man. Although he is 6'5
and weighs 137lbs, he can field anything with in 1 square block of first base and uses his ant strength to hit lasers. When
Tony runs down the baseline he looks like he is turning a corner as his whole body is parallel to the ground while he's
moving. He is also the second most normal person on the bench. I once saw him talknig to Prewitt and they used no
profanity...which confused me so I crammed a knotted pinetar rag up my ass. After that, it all made sense. I
once saw him talknig to Prewitt and they used no profanity...which confused me so I crammed a knotted pinetar rag up
my ass. After that, it all made sense.
#26 Kevin Burg (RHP):
A Tri-County product, Kevin only speaks when spoken to
and he looks like Dolph Lundgren except with better hair. Kevin is also one of 4 Senators who can write without having to
sound the words outloud or asking for help...fucking showoff. Kevin
is also one of 4 Senators who can write without having to sound the words outloud or asking for help...fucking showoff.
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#33 Gary Barbara (C/DH): Manager and most tenured Senator. Gary's skull has it's own
gravitational pull and his jersey is designed to not be able to be tucked in. Gary drives a big green perv van to games
and keeps a picture of Pete Conlin in his hat. Gary also "outkicked his coverage" when he got married and it pisses
Gus Poodini off big time. Gary's older brother Dan recently got his pilot's license so he can fly over the field
on gameday with a banner that has nicknames for his dick on it. so he can fly over the field
on gameday with a banner that has nicknames for his dick on it. .
#34 Josh Copskey (RHP/SS):
Josh is 6'5 and throws 90 miles an hour. Josh like
to play music and toss midgets. Josh also looks like Shaggy, the pot smokn' hippy from Scooby Doo. He looks like the cartoon
Shaggy not the Shaggy from that crappy Scooby Doo movie that got made, although Sarah Michelle Gellar was definitely
fuckable as Daphne (stripper name right there boy) that movie was a peice of shit. I mean seriously, a CGI Scooby Doo? And
Freddy Prinze as Fred? Get the fuck out of here. .
#35 Justin Callahan (RHP/IF):
Just showed up Sunday. He throws real hard. He made Bull
Radecke cry having a catch. I heard he is a badass and then he pitched 2 innings and proved it. Justin is also a Tri-County
product and smiles alot. I hope I never have to catch him because I will piss my little girl panties. I
hope I never have to catch him because I will piss my little girl panties. .
#55 Bill "Bull" Radecke
(RF): Bull drinks beer, hits baseballs
and hates. Bull can carry on a whole conversaton using the the terms "don't be a pussy", "hand me a beer",
"shut up bitch" and "what is your fuckin' problem?". When not playing baseball, drinking or beating
people up, Bull likes to work with children and old people. Bull plans on starting a farm for wayward cats so as he puts it
"can keep an eye on all those fucking pussies". .
#57 Bill "El Wingador"
Jentsch (RHP): Bill loves wings. He keeps
a spare plate in his bag. Bill thinks that umpires are...and I got to make sure I quote him right "are America hating
communists who think they run the fucking world". Bills son is going to be a good ball player too and is already on a
long toss program 3 days a week and will attend pitching camp this coming summer down in Florida at the University of Miami
where he has already submitted his college application. Little Billy is 17 and is strong for and infant getting ready
to turn 18 months. Little Billy is 17 and is strong for
and infant getting ready to turn 18 months. Little Billy is 17 and is strong for and infant getting ready to turn
18 months. .
#99 Ethan Witte (2B/Pragmatist):
Ethan is actually the player on the Senators with the
highest IQ...which is sort of like being the tallest pygmie in the village. Ethan actually hates all of his Senators teammates
and secretly wears a Woodbury Royals shirt under his jersey. When Ethan grows up wants to be Mexican.
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